Tom Joyce's chamber of the bizarre

Well, my costume came in second place in the “Most Halloweenie” category at the office Halloween party. (And yes, it was spelled “Halloweenie” on the ballot. I choose not to read into that.) I didn’t mind coming in second because the first-place winners went as a bunch of zombies and looked REALLY freakin cool. It was a good time. Although I was disappointed that once again, nobody wanted to participate in my proposed entry for the “group costume” category: The Human Centipede.

I’m putting the finishing touches on my Halloween costume.

I tend to go nuts on my Halloween costumes. That may seem kind of dopey for a 45-year-old man. Don’t know if this is an excuse, exactly, but it’s not from some whimsical desire to playact or anything. It’s more the same instinct that leads men to walk around at parties, whipping out their smartphones to show people pictures of the deck they just completed that weekend.

Guys, being guys, like showing off what they can do. And that desire becomes doubly strong when you’re talking about building something

But let’s face it. You really don’t want to be cornered by one of those guys walking around with the pictures of his backyard deck on his smartphone. Because those explanations can go on for a long … freakin … time.

“See, I had trouble placing the steps because of a clump of rocks there. The way I got around it was I took some of the lumber left over from … Hey! Where are you going? Sudden attack of diarrhea? Funny, you’re the fifth person I’ve spoken to today that’s happened to. Must be something in the crab dip.”

My Halloween costumes tend to involve elaborate construction and engineering. And when I wear them out on the town, it’s the one time a year I get to indulge the testosterone-fueled lobe in the lower brain that prompts those legions of backyard-deck-builders to whip out their smartphones at parties. The one that does little but recite a perpetual internal monologue of “ME MAN! ME BUILD THINGS! LOOK AT WHAT ME BUILD!”

The problem? I went apeshit with it last year. Yeah, the costume looked impressive. But I didn’t figure on the inherent logistical problems of going out on the town wearing it. Stuff like getting in and out of doors. Or making my way to the men’s room through a crowded bar. (Not to mention USING the men’s room.) This year’s costume involves some construction and engineering, but not on this scale. I should be ready to unveil it soon. In the meantime, here’s last year’s.  LOOK AT WHAT ME BUILD! ME MAN! URRRGH!