In the remake of “Red Dawn” currently in the theaters, North Korea invades and occupies the United States. No, really.
If you want an analysis of how weird and ridiculous this is, check out this piece. Long story short, China was originally supposed to be the occupying force in the movie, replacing the now-defunct Soviet Union from the 1984 original.
But guess what? China is the second-biggest consumer of Hollywood entertainment after North America, and the studios didn’t want to piss off a major portion of the film’s foreign market. Yep, it’s a more complicated world than it was in 1984.
The studios needed a villain nobody likes, who wasn’t going to be a factor in the movie’s box office take. And apparently North Korea was marginally more credible than the Westboro Baptist Church.
It got me thinking. What would it be like for a North Korean officer getting his orders prior to that invasion? I think it would go something like this …
Welcome to Military Headquarters, Colonel. And congratulations. You’ve been selected for a very important mission. We’re planning to invade and occupy the United States.
Why? Well, they’ve got something called “The Internet.” From what I understand, it’s mostly a repository for porn and kitten videos. Anyway, remember when our missile test failed back in April? Apparently a lot of Americans on this “Internet” made “Kim Jong Un can’t get it up” jokes, and he wasn’t pleased.You’ll be charged with invading and occupying a part of the United States called the “Eastern Seaboard.” That includes Washington, D.C., the nation’s capital.
How many men are we giving you?
Well, here’s the good news. We’re giving you the cream of the crop! The best of the best of the best! The most highly trained and efficient …
Would you calm the f**k down and hear me out? Geez! Even saying those words in my presence could get you brought up on insubordination charges! I know this is a stressful time so we’ll pretend that didn’t just happen, OK?
The truth is, we’ve been dealing with some budget cuts lately. Kim Jong Un developed this thing about thoroughbred polo ponies, and that’s eaten up a lot of the national treasury.
But it’s not like you’re going in empty-handed. You’ll have an automatic rifle, a couple of shotguns and a bunch of socks filled with ball bearings. Don’t look at me like that! We’re talking large-gauge ball bearings! They could really f**k someone up!
Your first step will be seizing control of the country’s power infrastructure. We’re at a little bit of a disadvantage here, because our foreign intelligence service has been out with the flu. Yeah, both of them.
Anyway, we’re assuming that America’s electrical infrastructure is similar to ours. You just have to find the master switch and pull it. And make sure there aren’t any puddles nearby. Remember what happened to our Minister of Energy. By the way, a condolence card is going around for his family. Be sure you sign it.
The next step is getting control of their transportation infrastructure. Maybe get a couple of your guys to handle the rail end of it. Tell them to put a cow on the tracks or something. Automotive transport shouldn’t be a problem around Washington, D.C. We scored some satellite surveillance photos from the Chinese, and it looks like traffic never moves on the Beltway.
Then there’s the matter of the media. Again, the Chinese are telling us not to worry. We’re guessing the last newspaper will have folded by the time you get there. The TV stations might mention the invasion somewhere in between the latest celebrity divorce and whatever the British royals are up to these days, but nobody will pay a lot of attention. And AM radio talk shows will probably claim the U.S. president is behind the whole thing.
Maybe you can use the media to your advantage. Go on public access TV and threaten to shoot a puppy if they try to resist.
Look at it this way. To the victor belong the spoils. Once you’ve established an invasion force, you’ve got the run of the place! You’re going to be a de facto emperor of your own province. You can just kick back, put your feet up on the coffee table and watch one of those big-screen TVs they’ve got over there.
Can this Snooki person be your bride? Well, I don’t see why not.
Look, I’m not trying to tell you this will be easy. But you don’t get promotions by sitting around with your thumb up your … Colonel, I respect you as a man and an officer. So I’m just going to be generous and assume that smirk on your face is not an oblique commentary on my qualifications for this post. Capiche?