Archive for the ‘Random stuff’ Category

hi-hats Since you’re doing me the courtesy of reading this blog, I might as well be straight with you. I’ve done some things in my past that I’m not too proud of. In short, I have a criminal history.

Remember the 1979 Walter Hill film “The Warriors?” The one about all the street gangs? Yeah. Well, in my misspent youth, I was a member of the Hi Hats. The street gang that dressed up like mimes. If you watch this trailer, you can catch us at the 34-second mark.

Look, I know what you’re thinking. Whenever anybody finds out about this element of my past, they ask the same questions. “Mimes? You were trying to come up with a concept for your street gang and you went with freakin MIMES? Was, like, every other conceivable possibility in the entire world already taken or something?” (more…)

About Oscar Pistorius

Posted: February 14, 2013 in Random stuff
Tags:

Oscar Pistorius claims he’s innocent? Wow! He doesn’t have a leg to …

ZAAAAP!

Hi folks. This is God. That was a lightning bolt. You’re welcome.

One day, a college professor was addressing his class.

“The …” he said.

At that point, a young man in the front row stood, pointed his finger at the professor, and yelled: “You’re wrong!”

“But I didn’t say anything yet,” the professor protested.

“It doesn’t matter,” the young man said. “We’re in one of those ‘a professor was addressing his class’ anecdotes. By default, your status as an academic marks you as one of those intellectual types who just thinks he’s sooooooo smart, but has no idea how the real world works.”

“Aren’t you assuming …” the professor began, but the young man cut him off once again.

“Look,” the young man said, “we all know the drill. You’re about to say something that ostensibly disproves the existence of God, advocates socialism or puts down America. Then I’m going to stand up and point out what an asshole you are. Maybe there’s going to be a surprise reveal where I turn out to be some revered historical figure. And the whole thing’s going to end with a plea to forward this to everyone you know. So why waste our time? How about we just get this over with and take the rest of the afternoon off?”

“I don’t know,” the professor said.

“It’s dollar shots night at the campus bar,” the young man said. “Just putting that out there.”

“In that case,” the professor replied, “whatever I was about to say was totally wrong. Guess you put me in MY place with your simple, homespun wisdom that completely trumps all of my fancy-pants book learning. Class dismissed.”

And the name of that young man … was George Washington.

PLEASE FORWARD THIS IF YOU LOVE AMERICA!!!!!!!!!!

Today Punxsutawney Phil predicted that the skies will rain fire and blood and a Beast will rise, bringing about the end times. I think he’s starting to take himself a little too seriously.

I suppose there’s really no need to add to the countless multitude of sarcastic comments floating around on the Internet, alluding to the improbability of the world ending tomorrow from this supposed Mayan prophecy. I’ll just reiterate something I’ve asserted all along. If the Mayan astrologers really could predict the future, they would have come out with something more practical. Like: “When the white people show up, kill them before they make it back to their boats.”

nerd2Well, it’s happened again. Week after week, two blog entries I’ve written get the most views.

This one deals with a bizarre conspiracy theory about coded messages from FEMA on the backs of road signs. I used it to explore a hypothesis of mine regarding the nature of conspiracy theories, which is that they’re essentially the result of a pattern recognition impulse gone haywire.

But this one gets by far the most views. In it, I examine the way that one’s values can change gradually over a span of decades, to a point where popular entertainment once regarded as innocuous can later seem offensive. As an example, I cite the movie “Revenge of the Nerds,” which features ostensibly sympathetic characters engaging in exploitative behavior toward women such as surreptitiously taking topless photos of cheerleaders with hidden cameras.

And week after week, according to the metrics helpfully provided by Word Press, variations of two search terms garner the most views on this blog: “FEMA road signs conspiracy” and “topless cheerleaders.” (more…)

Alright! Got some discussion going on my previous entry concerning Ouija boards, from two very different religious perspectives. Which is cool. I’m not above using a little bit of religious controversy as a cynical ploy to generate readership. (Stay tuned for my upcoming post titled: “The Dalai Lama. What a Dick.”)

As an added bonus, the people weighing in happen to be two of my favorite bloggers. Ray Ladouceur’s “Dogwood Tales” incorporates woodworking advice and entertaining videos.

Check it out here:

http://dogwoodtales-woodworking.blogspot.com/

And Carlette Norwood Ritter’s “Lette’s Chat” is a blog talk radio show that features thought-provoking and fun discussions with an array of fascinating guests.

Check it out here:

http://castusblaidd.wordpress.com/

As I say, they approach the subject from very different perspectives and you can see their original comments in the previous post. (more…)

Has the existential terror of an unknowable universe that’s fundamentally inimical to the interests of humanity got YOU down this Halloween? Then reanimate your party with these Shadow Over Innsmouth-watering H.P. Lovecraft-inspired snacks! Old Ones and Young Ones alike will love ’em!

Spud Niggurath
– One Russet potato sliced paper thin
– Salt (optional)
– Parchment paper
Cut a sheet of parchment paper to fit a plate. Lay discs of potato on top in a flat layer, none touching. Sprinkle layer with salt, if desired. Cover with another sheet of parchment paper. Microwave for 5-6 minutes. Discs will have become lightly browned potato chips.

The Black Goat With a Thousand Young has plenty of little mouths to feed! She knows this one will keep ‘em smiling!

Cthuloops
-3 tablespoons butter or margarine
– 1 package (10 oz., about 40) regular marshmallows
– 6 cups Froot Loops cereal
1. In large saucepan melt butter over low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until completely melted. Remove from heat.
2. Add Froot Loops cereal. Stir until well coated.
3. Using buttered spatula or wax paper evenly press mixture into 13 x 9 x 2-inch pan coated with cooking spray. Cool. Cut into 2-inch squares. Best if served the same day.

“Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn” – that means “Yummy!”

Fetid ichor
– ½ cup vanilla pudding (homemade or store bought)
– 3 Oreo cookies
– Gummy worms
In a parfait glass or clear cup, fill the bottom with half of the vanilla pudding. Crumble the Oreo cookies into small pieces and place about half of the cookie crumbs over the pudding and add a few gummy worms. Repeat using the rest of your ingredients.

The Arab Abdul Alhazred is just MAD about these tasty treats! Try them with some chocolate Yog So-sauce!

Pardon me. Sometimes I like pretending that I’m important and sexually active enough to issue statements like this.

A PUBLIC STATEMENT

I wish to express my most sincere regret for recent events. While I regret having brought dishonor to a position of public trust, I regret even more deeply the pain that this situation has caused my family.

My behavior was inexcusable. Particularly unconscionable was my use of taxpayer funds for expenses such as jewelry, fur coats, hotel rooms, manacles, an Olympic-size trampoline, 10 gallons of banana pudding, and a case of Viagra from a Mexican pharmacy.

I have let down the good people of my district, as well as my beloved wife and children. It was only in the interests of protecting them that I issued those earlier denials.

But now that the infamous “lederhosen photos” are making the rounds of all the major news outlets, I suppose there’s no point in keeping up the pretense. (As a personal aside to the hotel maid who’s apparently also something of an amateur photographer – I guess you can add whatever money that fishwrapper of a tabloid paid you to the sizable tip I left on the dresser. You’re welcome. Bitch.)

For what it’s worth, I hope that my constituents will keep in mind my years of dedicated public service, and take consolation in the fact that at least she wasn’t ugly.

I mean, let’s be frank here. If you’re going to pull something like this, you might as well make it count, right? So if those public funds were going to be misappropriated anyway, they might as well go for some high-quality tail.

And boy, was it ever high quality. Better than anything those jocks who used to make fun of me for being in student government could ever dream of. Especially Joe Russo, who used to call me “dorkwad.”

Joe, should you happen to see this, I’m curious about something. Why’d you bring a manatee in a dress to our 20-year reunion? Oh. My mistake. That was your wife! HAH!

Have you seen those photos of my mistress, Joe? Pretty smokin’, huh? And she didn’t call me “dorkwad.” No sir. She called me “Badass Biker Daddy.” See, we had this game where we’d pretend she was a sexy but bored truckstop waitress. Then one day I pull up on my Harley and … Anyway, think about that when you curl up next to Manatee Woman. Then cry yourself to sleep, jackass.

What was I saying? Oh yes. Regret. Deep, deep regret.

God bless America.

Sincerely,

Tom Joyce

I Wrote a Poem!

Posted: July 27, 2012 in Random stuff, Uncategorized

A dour young poet named Cassie
Considered convention quite passe
She thought meter and rhyme
Were both past their prime
For of what use are bourgeois poetic conventions when humanity is foundering in a morass of existential despair?