In the remake of “Red Dawn” currently in the theaters, North Korea invades and occupies the United States. No, really.
If you want an analysis of how weird and ridiculous this is, check out this piece. Long story short, China was originally supposed to be the occupying force in the movie, replacing the now-defunct Soviet Union from the 1984 original.
But guess what? China is the second-biggest consumer of Hollywood entertainment after North America, and the studios didn’t want to piss off a major portion of the film’s foreign market. Yep, it’s a more complicated world than it was in 1984.
The studios needed a villain nobody likes, who wasn’t going to be a factor in the movie’s box office take. And apparently North Korea was marginally more credible than the Westboro Baptist Church.
It got me thinking. What would it be like for a North Korean officer getting his orders prior to that invasion? I think it would go something like this …
Welcome to Military Headquarters, Colonel. And congratulations. You’ve been selected for a very important mission. We’re planning to invade and occupy the United States.
Why? Well, they’ve got something called “The Internet.” From what I understand, it’s mostly a repository for porn and kitten videos. Anyway, remember when our missile test failed back in April? Apparently a lot of Americans on this “Internet” made “Kim Jong Un can’t get it up” jokes, and he wasn’t pleased. (more…)